I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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