I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
