Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
