The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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