she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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