just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
