I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
