I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
