I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
