My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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