I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
