my sisters under your porch take her home
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
