saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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