Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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