Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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