sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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