does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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