Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
