I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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