i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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