Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize