I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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