The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
