Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
