yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
