i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
