So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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