I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
