I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
