I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he fucked my hip out of place.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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