Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
