I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
