So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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