That's intense
wakey wakey hands off snakey
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
