I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
