these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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