whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
