saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
