it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
