i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
soo... how was my night?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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