At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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