Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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