u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize