Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
