Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
