Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
