finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
