So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
