I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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