you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
