im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize