She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
