you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
