Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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